WRITING PROMPT #1

What would you attempt if you knew you would not fail?
Honestly? That's a simple one for me to answer: college. I can make excuse after excuse for myself of why I haven't gone, and yes, they are true. However. I'm well aware that if I really wanted to badly enough? I could make it happen. ...I could make it happen right now without much difficulty if I really wanted to. So what is it that holds me back, more than anything else? The answer isn't what you'd probably assume it to be. It's not laziness, nor lack of motivation, nor that I'm too obsessed with my fandoms (I can push them aside when I need to), nor my supposed "internet addiction" (I could debunk that one in about 2 seconds), nor even my agoraphobia, as I've proven time and time again on that last one, since if I really want something, I leave the house just fine. It isn't about money, it isn't about my having no transportation, it's not about my father constantly convincing me of how stupid I am--wait, that last one. Actually, that does have a lot to do with it. The real reason that I have yet to bring myself to enroll in college is.........

I am terrified - beyond words - to fail.

That probably sounds like the most bullshit excuse on the face of the planet, coming from the girl who repeated 9th grade 3 times. Who never did her homework. Who flunked almost every test. Who couldn't be bothered to do half of the in-class assignments even. No.... I pulled my act together by the last year of high school, I'm well aware that I can put in the time and effort necessary. That's not what worries me. I'm terrified that I will get overwhelmed by the courseload, even if I take one class at a time. I'm terrified of my health failing on me again to where I miss a ton of school, fall behind, and end up failing the class. But the one that scares me more than all that put together? Math. For either career route that I'd want to go into? There is NO way of just avoiding to take math. Hell, you have to take it as part of your general ed; but I'd have to take ADVANCED classes to go into any sort of computer field, OR to go into the medical field. I don't see myself bothering with college for any other reason than if it's to pursue one of those two dreams. (And to be honest, I'm falling more and more out of love with the computer field....yet if I can get my ass driving, I may just join Geek Squad and call it a day. I seem to be more capable than they are of fixing everyone's shit, time and time again. Hey, I'd get to drive around in a cute little Beetle all day, my dream car. Why not? Something to consider as a safety net plan if all else fails me.)

So why is this such a big deal to me? Because, for one, god...you don't know my father. He seems to delight in regaling the entire rest of the extended family what a failure at life I am and how I'll never be useful for anything whatsoever and I'll probably die alone and get eaten by cats (dead serious, those words left his mouth at the last holiday get-together) and that "she didn't even finish REAL high school"......because apparently, in his brain, home study is cheating the system and that "a monkey with a typewriter could have graduated from that". *eyeroll* He then goes on to point out that he will not be paying for me to go to college just to waste his money by failing, and that if I fail so much as ONE class, I'm cut off and my education will continue no further. Real sweet, huh? Despite the fact that I've told him that it's fairly inevitable that yes. I'll probably fail math. I'll likely fail it more than once because no matter what I do, I DON'T GET IT. These words matter not to him; what he says goes. Ugh. And he tells me that if that's how it's going to be, don't bother even going to school and wasting his money in the first place. So....here I am. There has to be a better way.

Now, it seems like the "easy" answer would be, of course, to get a tutor. ...Tried that. Over 2 dozen tutors ALL failed in teaching me even basic math. I can add, I can subtract, so long as they're whole numbers and no fractions whatsoever. I can multiply in my head up through about the 5's multiplication tables. Division? Don't get it at all. Decimals? Nope. Fractions? Nope. I couldn't even grasp pre-pre-algebra. How fucking sad is that? And before you go accusing me of not caring enough or not trying hard enough? ....On my *own* merit, with my own money, SINCE graduating high school, I tried employing a tutor once again to attempt to teach me math. Guess what? Tanked again. My brother has stayed up long, long nights with me, trying to make it make sense. He made it work with Kimmy; why doesn't it click in my brain? Am I that damn brain damaged? I'm honestly beginning to wonder. I'm not sure if it has something to do with the fact that I'm somewhat dyslexic or not. Or if I'm just a victim of bad timing in missing about 7 weeks' worth of school in 2nd grade when they were teaching such fundamentals as this. Or maybe something else that I don't even know. The bottom line is, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how many prayers I pray, no matter how many tears I shed... I just. can't. learn it. And it frustrates me to no end.

If there were some magical way that I could, indeed, ensure I would not fail? You sure as hell could bet I would take it. In the meantime, a certain Liza May lyric comes to mind...
"I'm just a victim of time
Obsolete in my prime..."